Not Hot: David "DB" Blaine

How on earth did this guy:




Make it to the big time? No, he's not that kid from your high school that thought fedoras were cool to wear to prom. Nor is he a shiny shirt wearing accountant at some firm on the East Coast. He's David Blaine. If you still aren't sure who that is, then consider yourself lucky... until now.

David Blaine's accomplishments include freezing himself in block of ice for a couple of days, living underwater for a week, fasting in a plexiglass block for 44 days and coming off like a complete d-bag on television (see here for more details...except about the d-bag part). I'm serious, check out this video (props to MM for citing these crapy adds first).

He reminds me of that weird, slow-talking guy that a friend of a friend brings to your house party that you have to spend the whole time keeping an eye on to be sure he's not going to creep out your guests or start worshiping satan in your bathroom or take a deuce on your bed or something. Yup, DB's a total bed-deucer (I really wanted to link to a funny picture, but I'll let you have fun with that. Use the Googles and search for 'poop in bed.' Great fun.).


Here are a few good spoofs on the ol' DB. This stuff is way better than any of his "street magic." Seriously, check out that link before you watch these videos. It makes them way funnier.

Not Hot: The YouTube Guys

What does $1.65 Billion get you? A couple of strays from the looks of this picture:

Up until this picture I considered these guys my heros for taking a garage based idea all the way to private jets and tailored clothes. Now I think I have to chalk their success up to dumb, and obviously blind, luck. I mean, why let more money than you could spend in a lifetime change your preference for ugly, best-thing-a-nerd-could-get chicks? Seriously, that one on the right might not even be a human!

Not Hot: Fergie

Dear Fergie,

I will give you a million dollars if you don't spell anything in your next song. I'm not kidding. I would rather punch myself in the junk than hear you spell out another word ending in i-o-u-s. Don't believe Will.I.Am when he tells you it's cool. Cause it's not. I promise.

Hot: LOLcats

I'm a dog person. I've never liked cats because they think they're better than us. In fact, I think cats have every intention of killing us all (wait for it). Dogs love to be around you, cats only reason to associate with you is because you feed them.

That being said, cats are starting to grow on me because of the LOLcats pictures that have been floating around the Internets for a while. I am considering buying a cat and then trying to get it to do funny stuff. If that doesn't work out I can always feed the cat to my dogs.

Here are some of my favorites:

Here's a link with a TON of these to check out.

Not Hot: Tobey McGuire

Spiderman 3 came out last week and made a billion dollars. What does that mean for us? Tobey McGuire will continue to make more movies. And there's nothing that makes me want to punch myself in the junk more than knowing that no-talent a$$-clown is making a living in acting.

Tobey McGuire has the personality of wallpaper paste and the acting ability of a sack of rocks. Seriously, I don't know how he made it. He basically makes the same face for every emotion (see: angry. sad. happy. forelorn. horny. anxious. nervous. curious. troubled.). It's the same face! I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Hot: Skeet Throwin'

Seriously, is there anything better than a little Skeet Throwin'? No, I'm not talking about the kind of skeet throwin' that my boy Lil Jon brought into our everyday 'nacular, I'm talking about a sweet blog that finds the best of the web and adds hilarious commentary. My boy Double M does a great job and I highly recommend you 'scribe to his blog ASAP.

As a quick disclaimer, I have used the terms "the Internets" and "the Googles" for a while now, so while I do pay homage to Skeet Throwin's style of linking text in my posts, the 'Nets and the Goog's are all mine. Thanks Double M!

Not Hot: Britney Spears' Comback

By now we've all seen the bootleg videos of Britney Spears' three comeback performances, and by now we've all decided that this, or this, or this, is never going to replace the memories seared in our brains of that, or that, and especially that (all SFW). Needless to say that it didn't help boost her street cred as a signer when People reported that she was chewing gum while performing at the second show.

The blatant lip-syncing reminds me of when I went to a Britney concert in Portland five years ago (the girl with tickets was hot. Trust me, it was worth it). At some point in the show the CD started to skip and the lights immediately went out and Britney ran off stage. It was amazing to realize that EVERYONE on stage was faking it, even the band! Can you imagine going to the tryouts for Britney Spears' backup band and not getting the part, not because you couldn't play the synthesizer, but because you didn't look like someone that played the synthesizer? Amazing.

It's interesting to see the career arcs of the big three prostitutessolo female pop singers of the last decade: Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera and Jessica Simpson. It's a lesson in marketing. All three started very innocently (see here and here and here) targeting the teenage girl market. But each had to decide how to Cross the Chasm into mainstream stardom. You're young, talented and beautiful. You have a stranglehold on the teenage girls and their mothers, but how do you attract more fans? The answer: slutification!

The question then became, how quickly? Think about Christina's move from "Genie in a Bottle" to "Dirty," or Britney's "Hit Me Baby, One More Time" to "Toxic." By cutting the back out of their chaps or wearing nude body suits, Christina and Britney were in a race to win over older populations of potential fans. That was a problem because the new people who were paying attention to them were looking for soft porn, not albums or concert tickets. The focus went away from music and talent and that spelled doom for both of them. This is evident in Christina's horrible string of unpopular songs and recent repackaging as a vintage singer (which was a great move that highlights her best asset: her voice), and Britney's absolute melt-down (which was a bad move that highlights her worst asset: her psycho-ness).

Amazingly, Jessica comes out as the smartest of the three. I don't believe it was her Christian background that kept her from going slutty (I've never seen a family of born-agains sell out so quickly to the bright lights and big money of Hollywood. Remember early on when Jessica's dad used to give reporters the "thanks be to Jesus" talk? Now he's rockin' the earring and is two years away from confessing either an affair or a drug addiction. Mark my words.). I think that family knew to differentiate themselves from the other two, lay low while they race to the gutter and then step out and become America's idol. By building up a constant brand, Jessica was then able to come out with a crappy album or two (go on, name one) and star in several low-grossing movies (go on, name one) and still be popular.

UPDATE: Great Britney Spears Site